04 Jun / JOG Unplugged: The Real Reason I Went to Brazil
I had originally thought my trek to see JOG after my first dramatic visit five years ago (Read the full accounting of the trip in these posts: Lesson 1, People of Brazil, John of God Ass-Kicking, Part Deux, I’ll Return, The People at the Casa), was to take other clients and friends who were ready to experience off-the-charts miracle healing along with my guide friend Kerry. When everyone who was “in” was suddenly “out” – I knew something greater was at work. So, when I went before JOG on May 1 (which fyi, is a holiday in South America, so not a good idea to visit on that day – there were thousands upon thousands there) I held in my hand three requests that felt like the core stuff that I hadn’t completely wiped out with BodyTalk (fear, worry, shame, and intimacy stuck-points).
But on this day, on day five, the knowing came in and I instantly knew that all of the above were just excuses that my soul gave to get me there. The words flew into my head so quickly, I almost rolled off my twin bed and onto the floor:
You’re here to heal your broken heart.
Tears filled my eyes. You see, this wasn’t a broken heart from any man (although my divorce nine years ago did flash into my mind as a possibility), this was my broken heart from long before.
This was the core wound, the ultimate broken heart – the broken heart I experienced as a child – from my parents.
My Spirit Guides led me through a meditation a few hours later while I sat on my favorite Casa bench (see photo to your left) showing me the exact moment my heart was broken by my parents. I was 18 months old. They were having another violent fight (which was not uncommon in my life from birth to about age 10 when my father left). It felt like too much to witness and I felt myself resist feeling the fullness of this heartbreak. But my Guides urged me to feel these feelings anyway. When I did, I sobbed, my chest heaving, my body shaking. This was beyond ugly cry face, this was full on heart-broken-ness.
My parents hadn’t done this intentionally of course – but the pain I experienced from their unconscious actions was real, and deep. From that moment on, I began to firmly guard my heart. I began to recognize that it wasn’t “safe” for me to love anyone around me or to truly be loved. I was shown how I had spent my entire life armoring, guarding, protecting from that initial pain. I felt so much compassion for my inner 18-month-old. First, for how terrifying it must have been to grow up in that house and even worse that as the oldest (eventually of 5 girls) that she had to be the strong one, the one with the answers, the one who kept everything together.
So…now what I wanted to know?
Nothing was the answer. I just needed to feel the feelings. WTF? No protocol, action steps, no process I could apply to root out this broken-hearted-ness so that it never returned? Nope, was the reply. I received the reminder I needed then and will need for some time – simply feeling our feelings brings healing. Who knew?! I had worked so hard and for so long to not feel that pain of rejection by the first people in my life – but then subsequently continued to attract people who could only support me in revisiting this pain (why wouldn’t I just feel it already and then I could stop attracting them?!) – that I realized how vital it was for me to merely be with the feelings.
After that point at JOG, I began meeting new people, connecting with others in very synchronistic ways. A sexy French man was sent to guide me through my second appearance before JOG (I don’t speak a lick of Portuguese, the sound system was terrible and I had no clue what was going on) and he also gave me the location of a city in France that had particular meaning for me (more on that awesomeness in the future!). I met a very sick man from Austin, Texas who was Christian but still found comfort and healing from JOG and who, despite his family’s warnings of being involved in the “devil’s work” had committed to living near the Casa for many months to experience full healing.
I felt my heart opening up in a new way. Each day, I cried tears of gratitude and joy, and my first week back from the Casa was filled with more of the same.
Now, I’m finding I regularly have moments where I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and thanking the Universe, Higher Power, God (whatever you want to call this Divine Love energy that is all around us supporting us in every moment!) for allowing me to live this life and walk this path.
I finally received the “okay” to receive another BodyTalk session. My first week back it came through that I was balanced and didn’t need a session (much to my and my practitioner’s surprise!), not to mention the first time that had ever happened to me – thanks JOG! The session, not surprisingly was all about my fourth chakra – the heart chakra. It was as though feeling those feelings at JOG had brought all that needed to go and be harmonized to the surface. Now, BodyTalk could work its magic and balance my body-mind-spirit! In that session, another piece from my ever-dramatic childhood/adolescence was ready to be released. At age 17, my mom kicked me out of the house after her new husband said she would have to choose between me or him. This trauma was still (I cannot believe it!) running active in my cells and was finally ready to be released. Chills and waves of energy coursed up and down my body, tears poured, rage rose and then just like on that quiet bench at the Casa, I felt it release.
My heart healing journey is certainly not over, in fact, it’s only beginning. On my 35th birthday in March, I could feel that I was becoming the woman I would have been had I not experienced so much trauma growing up. At the Casa and in front of John of God in Brazil in May I knew that I was that woman on levels I still can not yet fully comprehend, and today through the power of BodyTalk I am speechless as tears fill my eyes and I am acutely aware of the deep power of this healing path I am on.
I feel unending gratitude for John of God, BodyTalk, and this path. Thank you for reading, for allowing me this space to share with you things that I never in a million years I thought I would share. Vulnerability is the key to living a wholehearted life – as Brene Brown is teaching us all – and so it is my intention that as my BodyTalk-JOG-Intuitive-Led heart opening journey continues, I’ll be sharing it with whomever is drawn to hear/read/see.
Thank you, more please Universe!