Tulips

When did I stop believing?
Stop believing that life could be peachy
I don’t remember the moment, but it is here
now, in this quiet cafe sitting opposite you
with a pile of shoe-string fries and Heinz ketchup
When you say that thing you say
You know the one
The one where I am stupid and you, you are so much smarter
Suddenly, I am lost
I am no longer me
I am a reaction of who I have pretended to be
I know the rules, the tools, the way to appropriately handle this
The love needed to surround and dissipate this scenario
But, I cannot reach it
Awash with emotion, my appetite recedes
My throat closes, my arms cross
The fields of tulips cannot help me now
So I drive, far and long and hard
Until I am tired
I go where I always go when I don’t know where to go
- a bookstore
Flip through Vogue, read of SJP’s glamorous life
And then realize she is sort of crazy
It makes me drive back home to you
To remember all the grown-up words and love that I couldn’t access before
To whisper your name, stroke your hair and tell you the only thing worth knowing

I love you.

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